Suzanne Fetting - Confidence Coach

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Asking For What You Want – 7 Tips on How to Do It

ask

Ever heard the phrase: “If you don’t ask, you don’t get?” It’s SO true! Too many times when people are shy, introverted or lack confidence, they put their own needs at the bottom of their priorities list…sometimes they are not even on the list! Oh NO! Doing so is not helping you, nor is it showing respect for yourself.

Do you wish people would stop doing something you don’t like and start doing something you do like? Ever feel like people don’t value you, your time, your contribution, or your opinions enough? Well, you are likely not expressing yourself and not asking for what you want. Unfortunately, the reality is that other people typically don’t care as much about your needs, preferences and desires as you do. And when you don’t ask for what you want, you end up feeling upset, frustrated, resentful, and under appreciated.

We are all valuable individuals, and this has to start with how we see and respect ourselves, if we expect others to show us those same qualities. The great news is that this can be easier than you think when you follow my 7 tips listed below.

What you want matters! Sooooo, what do you want? It does not need to be huge; in fact starting small is easier. Be sure NOT to let anticipatory anxiety get the best of you. If you worry about the response you will get, it’ll prevent you from taking action, because your Inner Critic will tell you all the possible worst case scenarios and outcomes. Before you know it, you have excused asking and done it yourself because “it is easier.” WRONG! It’s not gonna make things easier for you in the long run. You are more important than that and so are your needs!

Not asking for what you really want – from yourself, from others and from life, doesn’t serve you or the people around you.

Here’s my 7 tips on how to ask for what you want:

1) Reframe your asking from a “confrontation” to a “conversation”
You are not making a demand, not negotiating,  not over-thinking, analysing or worrying about the outcome –you are simply asking a question.

2) Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?”
No need to look at all the potential problems; look only at the REALISTIC worst case scenario.  Will you be harmed, die or cause needless pain and suffering? Nope! The worst thing is that can possibly happen is that things just stay the same! No big deal!
Once you have looked at the worst case scenario, it is time to take ACTION! Then you’re in control, you know the worse outcome, you can minimize the risks and suddenly you are moving in the right direction.

3) Before you ask for something, imagine yourself doing it, not only imagine it but imagine the successful outcome of whatever you are asking for. Your brain will help you; your brain does not know the difference between something vividly imagined and something that has happened.

4) Another great way of looking at the situation is, “What would happen if  I DON’T ask for _____ now?
Well, things will stay exactly the same. That sucks! You don’t want things to be the same, so you MUST ask for what you want. Even if it doesn’t go the way you’d ideally like it to, you’ll still get clarity. Plus, it’s not going to be any worse (even if you get a “no” or negative response) you’re still in the same place. But at least you asked, which is a great way to practise building your assertiveness skills.

5) Don’t think people can read your mind
Fact is that no one but YOU knows the thoughts in your mind. When you spend time with people day in and day out, you don’t say the thoughts that are going on in your mind, right? Well, other people don’t either.
Get the thoughts out of your mind and out in the open. Talk frequently and openly.

People are different. They see the world differently. They have different expectations. They have different experiences.  We all have different strengths and weakness, and because of these differences, we can’t expect others to be able to read our minds.

Many people assume their spouses, bosses, work colleagues and good friends can read their minds. So when they don’t behave the way they want, they get upset. For any relationship to thrive, both parties have to take responsibility for clearly communicating their needs.

6) Be direct
Unassertive people will beat around the bush, talk in circles, and hint about how they feel, instead of being direct and getting to their point of the conversation.
There is a common misconception that we have to give long-winded reasons and excuses for why we want or do not want something. We don’t –in fact, the more you talk, the worse it is!
Being direct is being honest and shows integrity.

7) Realize that ‘no’ is just a small word that doesn’t equal a rejection
Truth is, we won’t always get what we ask for. Your guy isn’t always going to buy you that expensive gift that you want, your boss won’t always give you the promotion you want.  But when someone does say no to you, don’t take it as a personal rejection. Let it go and keep it movin! At least now you have clarity, you know where things stand and you can plan accordingly.

 

Put all 7 of these tips into effect and you will definitely be able to ask for what you want AND for what you deserve! You’ll feel more confident, and doing so will get you closer towards top of your priority list. You are the most important person in your life, regardless of whether you choose to see that or not at the moment. You really are more amazing than you could possibly imagine!

 

Do you need some help asking for what you want?

Please contact me now  for a COMPLIMENTARY session!  :-)

 

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